This awful decision
to leave town at two
to drive through the night
for work in the morning

It’s killing me.

I can’t shake
the picture of us last night
out of my head.
It’s haunting me
in the best way
and it won’t let me sleep.

I keep on reaching
out for your hand
only to find my pocket.
I miss your skin
I miss the way we talk and the cigarette smoke on our breath. ,
the way you moved on Sunday in your sexy black dress.
the way our thoughts wrap so comfortable around each other.

They better each other.
[We better each other.]

In the best way.

For instance, I’ve spent the last hour trying to decide whether to make a Facebook status saying “Happy Birthday, Nate” or not. I haven’t, but maybe I will as the night goes on.

I sat down to write to try to sort out my thoughts – a few years have gone by since Nate’s passing and there are a couple of things that I keep coming back to in my head.

Nate and I were extremely unlike each other. When I found out we would be touring together, I was initially worried, thinking “What in the HELL are these people doing putting me on a team with such a bro jock?! “It was such an unusual experience that we were about to embark on, too. A 10 week tour with 3 people that weren’t even from this country. We had to see the country through new eyes, as though we were seeing it for the first time. And we realized, that, yes, buffets really are awesome because you can get as much food as you want as many times as you want and they just keep refilling your soda until you leave. And yes, parts of the United States are incredibly complex and impressive, while other areas are as sparse as Central African villages. As the only two people who had toured before, we had the benefit of experience, and we counted on each other to shoulder the weight of leading the team whenever things went wrong. And, boy, did things go wrong. And what I began to see as such wide differences between me and him eventually became a kinship, where we were working 24 hours a day to make sure that this team and this tour didn’t self-destruct. I began to respect this man. And not just because he blasted Brand New and Dashboard as loud as possible. But because we trusted each other, and we fought hard together to make that tour successful.
I’ve been coming back to that word: respect. I can’t get it out of my head. The truth is, I have so much respect for him, for his life, his work ethic, his family. He was such a bold soul, and he wasn’t afraid to lay it all on the line. One of the most exhausting parts of tour is leaving your teammates, and I remember as we hugged and cried with Angela and Allysen and Hannah and Inno and Christo that our biggest concern was making sure that the rest of the team was okay. We didn’t really worry about each other though, because we knew that we were both strong and had incredible friends to support us. So, when we turned to say goodbye to each other, we both kind of shrugged and said, “Welp, we made it.” And we said goodbye, but it wasn’t really goodbye. Because we both knew that we had pretty big lives ahead of us, and that our lives would cross during another adventure.

See you next adventure.

And then I think about Tyler Dunning, and his unhealthy obsession with Peter Pan. I think of Peter saying “To die would be an awfully big adventure.” And maybe it is. All I know is that I miss this man that has become a part of me.

I’ve been dealing with feelings of guilt for what I should have said or done before he died. I’ve been dealing with anger at God, Planet Earth, Karma, and Horoscopes for him being in the wrong place during that bombing. I think I’m moving past that, slowly. So slowly.

But I hope that as we move into this next year, that I – that we, as a community, as a planet – can remember this man, remember his commitment to global justice, and respect him and his life by living as best we can – by never settling, by never giving up, and by always loving and working toward a better world.

Thanks, Nate. Happy Birthday. We’ll pour one out for you.

My friend Kevin introduced me to this. It’s really beautiful, one of those “turn the lights off and let your ears take you on a journey” kind of albums.  This album is based on a true story.

<3

Last Name, First Name (@TwitterName) “Full text of Tweet.” Date. Time. Tweet.

So, for instance:

Pappalardo, Brian (@BrianPappalardo) “Getting all organized for the Little Rock #kony2012 lobby meetings. If you wanna be part of it, let me know.” Mar 31, 2012. 11:10 AM. Tweet.

(See what I did there?)

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I was caught a little off guard.

I mean, I knew that gangs existed around here, but I guess it never crossed my mind that we might be able to play a role in steering kids away from gang violence here in Little Rock.

Rev. Stewart brought up a documentary that was popular in the nineties about gang violence in Little Rock. I’ve watched some of it, and so far it’s really blown my mind. I’m hoping to finish it tomorrow.

We’re still processing our trip today, and I’m interested to see how we can work together to do some good here.

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WASHINGTON D.C. –U.S. Senator John Boozman (R-AR) joined over thirty of his colleagues in support of a bipartisan resolution condemning the crimes against humanity committed by Joseph Kony and the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA) and underscoring support for U.S. and international efforts to help regional forces remove Kony and his top LRA commanders from the battlefield.

“I’ve had the opportunity to travel to the northern Uganda where at the time, the LRA was actively terrorizing villagers, abducting kids to serve as child soldiers and sending them back to their village to murder and mutilate their families and neighbors.  I’ve met some survivors of Kony’s atrocities and while the crimes against humanity he ordered seem unimaginable, they are very real,” Boozman said. “While the ability of the LRA to carry out attacks has been dramatically reduced, and they have been chased out of Uganda, it is imperative for the security of the region, and the protection of basic human rights, that we capture Kony and end the LRA’s atrocities that continue throughout the region.”

READ MORE

It happened to be the English department at Cabot High School. I’m going to assume that you don’t know what Cabot High School is or why I would be excited about this, so I’ll tell you.

When I first left town to begin working on the LRA, I really wanted to get my part of the state involved in seeing this conflict come to an end. Not because this movement needs them. Not really.

I mean, in a roundabout way, it does. But, when you’ve rallied the whole entire world around this issue, what does a little school in the woods in Arkansas really have to offer?

But there’s something to be said for the transformation that happens in the mind of a ninth grader who’s never been asked to care about something so big, something so far away. She begins to believe that, as a matter of fact, she can do…it. Whatever “it” is. These kids come alive, and I’ve seen it over and over and over, and that’s what I want for my community.

I was shocked when I came back home and started reaching out to some of the little brothers and sisters of my friends, asking if they wanted to get their school involved in this. They said yes. The group Invisible Children came to the high school that I graduated from and got a lot of the kids pumped on activism. I was able to come in and share with them the importance of using their voices to influence foreign policy and make sure that this violence comes to an end. I have a boatload of letters written to Senator Boozeman, asking for him to continue working to make this a priority in the Senate.

But Cabot… There’s something about Cabot. I guess it’s because it’s suburbia, and my heart hurts for the suburbanites.

So, when I got this phone call two Fridays ago, I stopped. Because this was the entire English department of Cabot High School, and they have been talking about genocide, and WWII, and Rwanda, and how maybe if people had acted sooner, a lot of this violence might have been stopped. They want me to come speak to their classes, to make sure that they are educated, which is important, and to make sure that the students have ways to get involved.

I’m meeting with them tomorrow, and I think I want to propose this idea to them:

1) Awareness. It’s important to rally their school around this and make sure everyone knows. But it doesn’t stop there.

2) Political Action. I’m going to invite them to get their students to write even more letters to Boozeman’s office, asking him to continue his support. Maybe they can even make a field trip out of our lobby meeting.

3) Exploring different approaches. It’s a good thing to be diverse, and to get your information from more than just one source. As excellent an organization as I believe Invisible Children to be, I don’t believe that they present the entire story. They present it in a way that makes them look great and shows the values of their programs (why wouldn’t they do that?). But maybe there are other organizations out there that are worthy of our conversations and worthy of our money, as well.

What I would love to see happen is for the Central Arkansas groups that I work with to take this 3 pronged approach to fund groups working to bring this war to an end. Just splitting the money they raise 3 ways, 1/3 to awareness through IC, 1/3 to political advocacy through Resolve, and 1/3 to securing defections from The Voice Project.I feel that like that’s a smart, and pretty comprehensive way to go about doing it.

But, of course, I am here just to have ideas, not to tell anyone how to behave or where they should give their money. That is up to them to decide.

<3

Okay, so not exactly.

We don’t force our people into coal mines (department stores) to mine for coal (make money) for the people of The Capitol (capitalism). We don’t sedate our people by sending them to The Hunger Games (sports teams) so that we have someone to live vicariously through so that we don’t get around to causing an uprising (actually doing something that matters). We don’t play nice with our competition before we kill them (take advantage of them). We don’t dye our hair blue and red and have nicely trimmed beards and liposuctions and vomit so that we can eat more delicious food. Oh, wait. We do.

I had been meaning to read The Hunger Games for a while, but only got around to it this week. It’s amazing, because although it doesn’t describe the world we live in at all, it completely describes the world that we live in.

Doesn’t it?

By exaggerating some of our dirtier qualities and giving them a name, Suzanne Collins shows us ourselves. And I think that’s why we are rooting for Katniss and Peeta to break the system, to rebel against the Capitol, to fight against the status quo. Because deep inside, we know that we need to similarly break out of the mold that has been cast on us.

So, let’s slide under the electric fence, grab our bow and our arrows from the hollow log, and get a little rowdy.

<3

I grew up deeply spiritual only to turn my back during my early 20s. I remember joining this hardcore band and touring with this group called Sleeping Giant, and how they really challenged me to embrace my faith again. They were…badasses. That’s all I can say. They saw people get hurt in the moshpit and they placed their hands on them and they prayed and these kids were healed. I remember thinking that it was so crazy because they were just like me. They were a little dirty, they hadn’t showered in a little too long, and they cursed a little too much. But they had faith in God, even when it had the potential to make them look really dumb, and God always pulled through.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to accomplish this year, and it’s kind of a tall order. Because this year, I don’t want to run around the country trying my hardest to “make a difference” or “change the world” or whatever other tagline we can think of. I’ve done that. And done that. And done that. And, I’m ready for something different. I’m ready to…wait.

To get out of my own way, to dream big, to pray hard, and to live my life… I guess with God rather than for him.

So, I’ve taken note of my dreams. I believe that they are given to me by the Big Guy, but I’m praying for confirmation. Although I am going to work as hard as ever to see these things become a reality, it’s really my desire now to spend an equal amount of time praying over these things, making sure that I am in God’s will, and looking for opportunities to fall into my lap.
If I had a formula, this would be it.

1) Praying that I would know what to pray for, or that God would give me specific dreams.

2) Praying for Star of Bethlehem-type assurance that I’m doing the right thing.

3) Waiting for God’s timing. (still figuring out exactly what this means; don’t necessarily like this one)

4) Working my butt off.

So, without further ado, my goals for 2012.

- raise $200,000 for FM stations in the Congo to help call LRA kids home

-begin a fund to support Scripture based rehab, vocational training, education, and economic development for some of the half million people currently displaced by the LRA

-work with my church to work with LR’s homeless communities to identify and fill gaps in programming

-work to develop LR’s music scene

-buy a house in Argenta.

Someone told me the other day that the difference between my goals and God’s goals is that God’s are impossible. I’m looking at a screen full of things that seem impossible.

This is the point where I tell my mind to shut up and begin praying and working to see them become a reality.

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Confession Time: Brand New is my favorite band. I love them because they always bring out the angsty, pissed, teenage boy out of me.

This is a really unique video of them performing the song Sowing Season at O2 Academy Newcastle on February 16th. The fans at the show took videos on their phone and uploaded them on the FanCam site, who then took the footage to put together a live music video of the song.

Really rad.

<3